More

Kenilworth Golf Club

Course Status

Kenilworth: COURSE OPEN HOLES 1-18 (1ST HOLE SHORTENED). CARRYING ONLY. PLEASE FOLLOW ROPES BEFORE CROSSING ONTO FAIRWAYS. THANK YOU.
Par 3 Course: Open, Trolleys Allowed.

Current Events

Happy New Year to One and All

Wednesday 1st January 2020


Read More...

Christmas Shotgun Results

Monday 9th December 2019


Read More...

Men's Prize Presentation Dinner

Friday 8th November 2019


Read More...

Vice Captains 2020/21

Friday 8th November 2019


Read More...

Luke Northwood - Warwickshire Champion of Champions

Tuesday 5th November 2019


Read More...

3 out of 4 yields £200 for Tim Bull

Friday 25th October 2019


Read More...

Success for Kenilworth Golf Club Juniors

Sunday 13th October 2019


Read More...

Llandrindod Wells visit to Kenilworth

Tuesday 17th September 2019


Read More...

Ladies Autumn Open

Thursday 12th September 2019


Read More...

Captains' Charity Auction - Four Ball Vouchers - Bidding Open

Tuesday 10th September 2019


Read More...

Carryings on up the back nine at Kettleworth Golf Club

The Kenilworth Golf Club Christmas Review turned out to be a bit of a farce this year although some of those watching thought it was a pantomime – but oh no it wasn’t!

Ronald Rump, that brilliant billionaire businessman from across the pond with his hair freshly ironed had set his heart on the acquisition of Kettleworth Golf Club.  It was in the county of “War-wick-shire” in the centre of Englandland and it had a castle – well the town did anyway – so he could always move the castle to the golf course or the golf course to the castle.  He sent his beautiful daughter Titiana and his trusty evil henchman Igor (aka Ivan, Ivor, Isaac, Eyeore) over to worm their way into the golf club and bring about his planned takeover.  His current wife Melamine was dispatched with them to keep her out of the way while Ronald worked out how to promote his latest mistress into being his 4th wife.

What could possibly go wrong?  Being a farce – the answer turned out to be  - everything.

Initially things looked black for Kettleworth.  Although chosen for the beauty of the course the club became more attractive when Igor found that the divots he took were loaded with rare earth minerals making the course worth billions. He managed to hoodwink the lady captain Felicity Flagstick and the Seniors captain Sir Sydney De vit Bag into going along with his scheme with the promise of sponsorship for a forthcoming ladies tournament.   But then Titiana met and fell in love with Dickie, the new assistant pro, Melamine discovered Rump’s plot to give her the elbow and together with the well meaning Captain Bunker and Bar Steward Tammie they foiled Ronald’s plot and saved Kettleworth Golf Club from a horrible future as a quarry.  To really ruin Ronald’s day his mother turned up and sent him to bed without any supper.

Interspersed with the 4 acts of the play were other forms of entertainment.  These included Richard “Dickie” Simmons performing as a stand up comic and also featuring as magician “The Great Simone” with his assistant Lynn “Debbie (from Dallas)” Blasdale.  Lynda McCarthy appeared as an Austrian yodeller who led the audience into joining in with her frenetic actions as she sang her  yodel song (with such a sad ending – aaah).  A few other songs along the way helped to fill out the event with the choir giving a rousing rendition of “Hywel’s Lament” authored by long suffering wife Kim and Tony Ranger warbling along with his guitar to some topical (reasonably) songs that he had written (or rather re-written).

Pianist David Mason provided the backing music for the play and also provided some delightful music on the piano as one of the intermediate acts.

Before the finale Mark announced the scene that all the audience had been waiting for - the one where the cast model the garments of a certain purveyor of sexy lingerie.  The response of the audience will be omitted from this report.

A Kenilworth Golf Club Christmas Review would not be complete without getting the audience involved in singing and acting out the gifts for the 12 days of Christmas - so that happened next - and finally White Christmas was sung, the cast wished the assembly a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year (in song) and we all repaired to the bar for a few drinks and the left over sausage rolls.

All in all it turned out to be a good evening’s entertainment (twice).

The play – and that word is used rather loosely – was written by David Wright who also starred as Ronald’s evil henchman Igor. 

Ronald Rump was played by Adrian Chatterton (who wants me to assure you that the wig he wore was only purchased for the play - his regular one is much darker). 

Carol Simmons appeared as his long suffering wife Melamine who managed to remember all her lines despite the considerable amount of alcohol she imbibed during the performance. 

Sue Draper took the part of Titiana - conveniently falling in love with her real life husband Mark who stepped in as the assistant pro Dickie Swinger when no one else could be persuaded to do it. (Mark was also  the compere , choir master producer and etc.)

President Jim McCarthy (yes it really was him in the pink wig) was a natural as the Lady Captain Felicity Flagstick – playing a totally non-orthodox dame and definitely destined for future stardom.

David Elbourne appeared as himself in the role of Seniors’ Captain Sir Sydney Devit Bag.  He only had to change his tipple from Scotch to Pink Gin and that turned out to be a hardship up with which he was able to put.

Nick Wright was the Gentleman Captain who overcame his gentle nature and stood up to the dastardly Ronald Rump to save the day for Kettleworth Golf Club with the help of Teresa Wright making her debut as counsellor and confidant bar steward Tammie.

Chris Copper established who was really in charge as the mother of Ronald Rump (on Friday).  Sadly Chris was indisposed on Saturday and so Lynda McCarthy took charge (prudence prevents me from making any further comment about that).

Lynn Blasdale provided the fantastic back drop and other art work used in the play.

John Freestone and Matthew Draper were the stage managers.

Photos are courtesy of Clubhouse Manager Stuart Leech.

A welcome to the show by compere and producer and choir master and actor extraordinaire in fact everything else extraordinaire too - Mark Draper!!!!

Go get me that club!

Melamine, Titiana and Igor forming their dastardly plot

I'll have a Sauvignon Blanc please Tammie - but only one - I don't think one should drink too much in the day time - not like a certain Seniors' Captain not too far from here .....

A steward's life is not a happy one

(The choir from behind the foliage) "HAPPY ONE!"

Felicity and Sir Sydney falling for Ronald's wonderful offer of support with Igor looking on

I'm going to wash that man right out of my hair and send him on his way - get the picture?

Time to Shelebrayte

I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK - I sleep all night and I work all day

The rest of the song has been censored to avoid offending any specific lobby.

I think I love you - aah (said Dickie) - bleugh (said the choir)

The cast modelling their **** ******** lingerie

The cast took their bows - step forward - front and centre Captain Bunker

In Between the Acts of the "Play" ....

The choir sang "Hywel's Lament"

authored and introduced by Kim

"Nick & Mark & Ish & Me" plus wives (but not necessarily in the right order)

Simmo told us about a friend of his who kept drinking brake fluid.  He wasn't addicted - he could stop any time he liked.

Lynda yodelled the tragic story of a young Austrian man - it's a long story but if you ask her nicely she'll go through it with you.

Swoosh

Tony Ranger sang about his concerns for when he gets older.

The Great Simone with his aged assistant Debbie from Dallas.  He bravely ignored the old adage of not working with animals and brought on his pet Duck Dippy who helped him with one of his card tricks.

To make the trick more difficult he put a blindfold on Dippy but the duck was still able to find the hidden card.

5 Go-old Rings!!!

The Back Drop in all its glory - created by Lynn Blasdale

In the wings ...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Return to News Page



Created by intelligentgolf version 10.1.2
CONGU® is Copyright Council of National Golf Unions.